I Know A Good Lawyer...

Ok... So let me set the scene...I had a shit ton of pimples in high school like a fucking proactive commercial...I mean I had a girlfriend..but i was by no means cool...fast forward like 9 years... pimples are gone and I've somehow started dating the hottest chick i graduated with(long funny story for another day)... well im no dummy i take her to the cape for the night...great night wake up next to this beautiful unobtainable woman to my man Jim* (all names have been changed) ...so Jim* calls me..and says i just got tickets for game 7 against the bulls...(now at this point i have been to every home playoff game ..sat court side twice..sometimes for free...back when i had game... anyway it was that crazy bulls series where they went to overtime every game... sometimes double or triple overtime..) .. anyway he got tickets... he had to go through some restaurant kitchen and talk to a Brazilian...pay 180$ for $23 tickets ..but fuck it but we were in...so i get up to  fucking this beautiful woman i used to jerk off about when i was like 14... to this news .. i know best day ever... but wait it gets sooooo much better...

word

... so i bonce from the cape.. chick drops me off.. my man Jim* picks me up and we go out and get some weed and liquor and beer ... and we're pulling into the parking garage .. he says to me .. and i swear his exact words were.."if you need it i have a card for  a good lawyer "... and i said back to him..."is this how this nights going to go"...wellll... anyway we go into the game.. drunk as shit.. and meanwhile the whole ride in Jim* is fighting with his girl/ex/chick he fucks the whole time...turns out shes like 2 sections over and with like 9 friends... so anyway to set the scene he wanted to go out with me because to be honest i can pull chicks ... and hes trying to break up with his girl and he wants me to wingman him in some ass....but his timing was bad because im fucking the hottest chick i went to school with.. so i wasn't really into it... so then he decides that now he wants to hang out with his ex and her 9 friends...we walk out the game ( Celts won in double OT...great series) and go to the bar across the street from the greatest bar (its not) ,, you know the one with the brick front.. i forget the name..anyway we're getting in line.. and she is at the front with her 9 friends..(none hot)...so we stand with them in line....and they start bitching about how were cutting them.. meanwhile were "with them"...fucking great... did i mention they all hate *Jim... well they did ...so anyway now we war with like 10 angry fat girls that all hate us... at first im trying to be nice ..make convo..i was actually being really nice trying to keep the hounds at bay while he was trying to score some ass.. when all of the sudden one of the fattest bitches in the group looks me in the eye and says  "im mad because i cant have her" .. and "im not her type"... if you know me .. you know that at this point in time i lose my shit and flip out... so i did... i started tearing into the whole group " You fucking fat twats .. look at your fucking gunt,douche bag big foreheaded cunt ect..ect.... just calling them out on everything imaginable .. pure filth.. so now im arguing with a herd of wildebeests that all happen to have vaginas... and the bouncers kicked me out because even though they were fat its better to have a group of pigs at the bar instead of me being a drunk asshole.....

high 5

... so we went over to the greatest bar(once again...its not)... and we are over there now fucking with people and i call my friend *Gina to come through with some chicks for him... she does and we are getting drunk and now it's last call...turns out they got a after hours spot  just over the Zakim Bridge...we decide to follow them... now as we are getting on the Zakim i am drinking a bottle of SoCo .. he has a beer... and im standing up in the passenger seat pissing in an Arizona ice tea can i look up and we are in a sobriety check point...great...they pull *Jim out make him do a shit load of sobriety tests (i still think he passed) ... and make him take a breathalyzer (def didn't pass that)... so as they are cuffing him the cop tells me to get out... i ask where im about to go on the middle of a bridge at 230 in the morning in the middle of Boston when i live in Abington... he informs me that i can either start walking or go to jail..well that's an easy choice.. i chose walking... i walk about 20 feet  when another cop yells at me for walking on the bridge and pulls a cab over and makes me get in it...now ive already called my friends and they are waiting at a gas station right on the other side when i tell the cabbie to just drop me at the end of the bridge he tries to charge me 30 bucks.. we obviously argue about this and i demand he lets me out... (about half way across the bridge)...so now im walking again across the Zakim... I can not stress to you how long the Zakim bridge is when your walking... that shit is long... like a half hour walk long... so im walking and walking and walking then i get to the off ramp...fuck .. because you walk for 10 min and your literally 20 feet below where you just were... now ive been walking for about 45 min when my friends call and say the gas station has called the cops on them and they have to go ...at this point i figure... im not that far and im pretty close to the ground.. i thought about 15 feet or so...so i decide to jump... yup.. i jumped .. i specifically remember thinking after falling for a second or 2 that this was wayyyyyy farther than i thought it was ...

"FUCK!!!"

I hit the ground so hard my shoes flew off ...seriously i was on my back not wearing shoes....so as i gather myself and survey the damage.. i realize im staring at a 10 foot chain link fence with barb wire on the top of it... and to my back is the actual bridge... another easy choice only one way to go... i picked fence... so im climbing the fence and im drunk .. and tired... and i just jumped off a bridge.. and im having some trouble with the barb wire after a few attempts i manage to make it over to the other side of the fence but not before i ripped a hole in my shirt ,destroyed my pants and tore the sleeve of the Celtics jacket im wearing... ohh and im bleeding pretty good at this point too...so as i jump off the fence.. i swear to god the fucking fence swung open... turns out the whole time i was on the gate...turns out im a retard..., now i dont know if you ever noticed that there are like 6 railroad tracks under the Zakim...so when i jump the fence i am now standing where those tracks are...seriously next time your on the bridge just look down... you'll see them...well what you didn't know was that those tracks are 3rd rails...ALL of them..now i dont know about you but every time i was on the subway when i was younger i was always curious if i could jump a third rail... well now i know the answer to that question... i was jumping them one at a time.. like 5-6 of them and getting my composure in between hoping to fuck a train didnt come and calmly jumping the next one...remember its like 3:45 at this point and im no longer shitfaced... im just beat up and drunk...so i get to the other side of the tracks.. at this point i  am seriously fucking proud of myself.. Now im looking at like an abandoned train platform .. its like 15 feet incline... i climb up it and when i get to the top there are like 5 homeless people drinking around a garbage can on fire... they are surprised as fuck to see me .. im surprised as fuck to see them..

These guys look legit...

I immediately think "I'm about to get robbed"..so thinking quick realizing that I'm a crazy person covered in blood.. I start screaming like a crazy person covered in blood .. at the top of my  lungs I just started screaming  about the Celtics and the win and im just screaming Woooooo!... they were in so much shock all they said was ... "yeah ..go Celtics"..i honestly believe those drunk homeless men living under a bridge wanted absolutly nothing to do with me.....I make it by them..and get to another chain link fence jump that ... and now at this point I've found someone to get me.. they are going to meet me by the Schafer Chocolate Factory ... if youve ever been on the tobin its the clock tower looking building right after you get out of downtown boston...right after Bunker Hill CC ... well to get over there i have to cross the highway in front of BHCC ..4 lanes...2 fences....at this point i feel like im in a  fucking video game  and im about to fight bowser or some shit...and its about 430 in the morning..(ive been walking for awhile now)..  i cross the highway frogger style shes there ...i get in the car relieved im finally going to get home.. ahh i can finally relax... you know figure out what the fuck just happened... and this girl is swerving like a motherfucker .. hitting the brakes and shit... at this point i find out she is rolling her ass off on extasy...fucking great...I make her pull over and I'm going to drive... so as im driving down the highway im thinking to myself  "this is exactly how i got myself into this situation".... I make it all the way to abington... get to my house...and im going to run in to get her some money for gas...(at this point i lost everything i had except my phone).. well remember how i just said i lost everything... that included my keys... so i had to ring the doorbell at 530 am on a sunday at my fathers house... my stepmother comes to the door.. sees my clothes are torn up sees im covered in blood and im clearly drunk asks me what the hell happened to me... and i said " I didnt get arrested".... she just turned around and went back upstairs.. so i go in get some money run out to give her gas money... and not realizing it i locked the door behind me...FUCK... I'm not knocking on the door again..FUCK... its too early to stay outside...FUCK..wait I have an idea.. so i go to the side of the house.. attempt to remove the screen... break it... push up the window and climb through it right on to the table on the other side...and also break that...i was so fucking tired at this point ..victorious... I fell asleep right there on that broken table....

exactly like this.. but everything broken and less fat

so when i woke up the next day Jim* calls me and hes going to come by so I can get my stuff out of his truck... all my shits in there..a giant book of CD's , my bottle of SoCo .. my half smoked blunt.. my bag of weed...i go into the back to grab my 12 pack...looking..looking..Motherfucker....and that was the day a tow truck driver stole my 12 pack ... The End ( I'm almost positive Jim* still doesn't have a license)